The kind of thing that money just can't buy

Sometime around the middle of September, I joined Groupon by mistake - you click on one facebook ad, and then suddenly you're a member, sort of thing. I wasn't terribly happy, but had read some stories and the emails were easily deleted. So I decided to wait for a bit before classifying the emails as junk mail.

And then I needed a watch, and there was a watch to be had on Groupon, a bright, shiny, plastic watch like a giant boiled sweet, and I wanted it in red because nothing spells impending senility like wearing a giant, plastic, bright red boiled sweet wrapped around your wrist. This watch, from a site called South Lane, was something like £34.00 originally, but I could get it for £12.00 if I bought a Groupon Voucher, and if I paid something like £13.60 for express delivery, I could get it even quicker.

Now a saving isn't a saving if it makes you buy something you wouldn't buy anyway, but I needed a watch. So I dutifully signed up - I can't remember ticking a T&C box but apparently there is one, now, anyway, and received my voucher code by the end of that day. I can't remember the exact day that this was, but I rushed along to the South Lane website and, eagerly and chirpily and merrily and all other sorts of ilys, entered the voucher code; code not accepted.

I tried again and again.  I decided to phone Groupon. "The code doesn't work!" I wailed. Silence. "Hello?" I asked.

Eventually the young lady came back to tell me that the codes hadn't been uploaded yet and that I should wait and try again. Retrospectively, I realise that the lack of care was a harbinger of things to come.  I waited and tried the website again the next day or that evening; no luck. Eventually, I forgot about it. 

A couple of weeks later - on 10th October, to be precise - I remembered the voucher plus code. I went to the website, the voucher code was accepted, and I was sent an acknowledgement email. I replicate that email underneath. Notice how the date of the acknowledgement email is clearly present, at the top.



Order ID: XXXX
Date Added: 10/10/2011
Order Status: Complete

Products
1x Red Lane (Red Lane) 39.00€

Order Totals
Coupon(F3A2DADB7E) -41.99€
Sub-Total 39.00€
Flat Rate 2.99€
Total 0.00€

To view your order click on the link below:http://link


Please reply to this email if you have any questions.



Remember, I'd paid for Express Delivery. OK, so I was buying the watch rather later than I originally intended but I still wanted it NOW! Giant boiled sweetie watch, water resistant to 30 m, what's not to die for?

On the 18th October, with no watch having arrived, I replied to the email as instructed above, with the following. The original email was addended, as shown underneath. Note that the date of the original email is still clear:


Dear South Lane

I have not yet received this watch - I was under the impression that buying it with the express delivery option meant that I would get it quite quickly. I wanted it as a birthday present for myself, and my birthday is tomorrow. What now? Do I need to take this further?

Yours,

Online Blogger#
On Mon, October 10, 2011 11:27 am, South Lane wrote:
> Order ID: XXXX
> Date Added: 10/10/2011
> Order Status: Complete
>
>
> Products
> 1x Red Lane (Red Lane) 39.00€
>
>
> Order Totals
> Coupon(F3A2DADB7E) -41.99€
> Sub-Total 39.00€
> Flat Rate 2.99€
> Total 0.00€
>
>
> To view your order click on the link below:
> http://link

>
>
> Please reply to this email if you have any questions.


Quite clear, don't you think? Unfortunately, after the automated response, I heard nothing further from South Lane, and to this day, have not heard anything from them. So, there's a company to avoid. 

Now, that's the last time I'm going to print the whole of an email including preceeding emails, but you must imagine each new email getting longer and longer, with all the previous emails underneath.

Having heard nothing from South Lane, I decided to try Groupon. I've paid money to Groupon, and this money has disappeared into nothingness. I'm not going to spend more money hanging on the telephone to South Lane, trying to get someone who will answer; Groupon has taken money from me and they clearly have a contract with South Lane, so I'll ask them for help.

So I sent this email to Groupon on Saturday 21st October. This is actually three days after I first sent the email to South Lane, not two as stated in the email:


Dear Groupon

I ordered this watch from South Lane, using a voucher bought from you,some time ago (ten days). Your advertisement for this order said that delivery would be in seven days. I have not had the watch. I have sent the email beneath to South Lane two days ago, but have had no reply.

I'd like my voucher money back please, or the watch delivered, with the express delivery money given back to me, ASAP - which would mean by the end of next week.

Yours faithfully

Online Blogger


and underneath were the two previous emails, just as shown above. 

I recieved an automated reply, and then, on the Sunday, this email back from Groupon:


Re: [Fwd: Re: South Lane - Order XXXX] (ticket #1047396)
----------------------------------------------
Minion X, Oct-23 17:44 (BST):

Hi Online,

Thank you for your email.

It states on the website that the express delivery is a wait of 7 working days. As you redeemed your voucher on the 18th of October, it is still within the expected delivery time. The 7th working day will be the 27th of October.

If you do not receive your item in this time then please reply to this email.

Regards,

Minion X


But I had written to SouthLane on the 18th and ordered the watch on the 10th (and it would have been earlier had Groupon actually uploaded the codes timeously) - and seven days for express delivery? Surely that's not right. Still, not going to argue with that, but I was pretty miffed that the Minion X hadn't even taken the time to read my email properly, and had assumed that I was lying, or making a fuss about nothing. It was pretty clear from the addended emails that I had made the order on 10th October.

So I replied, pretty crossly, with this:


Please reread the emails attached.

I redeemed my voucher on *10th* October, which is why I wrote to them on 18th October.

I am not impressed by your reply, in the slightest.

Please make sure that I get the watch by the end of next week, with the extra I have paid for express delivery returned to me, or refund in full.

Thank you

Online Blogger


That seems pretty clear to me. I mean, not only have I not had the watch I've paid for, I've definitely - even by Groupon and SouthLane's strange definition of 'express' - not had the express delivery, and I think I'm actually well within my rights to ask for my money back. I paid the money in good faith. I'm being fucked about. OK, it wasn't a huge amount of money to me, but that's not the point. 

I get no answer from Groupon for a week. South Lane have still not replied after ten days. On Saturday 29th (no watch had turned up in the meantime, and meanwhile, I've just gone off the idea of this bloody, bothersome watch) I received this email from Minion X:

Minion X, Oct-29 12:17 (BST):

Hi Online,

Apologies for the confusion, my system states that the voucher was redeemed on the 18th.

I am in no position to make sure you 'get the watch by the end of next week' as we have no information on orders being processed and have no hand in posting them.

As you have paid extra for express delivery and they have not honoured this, you should contact them regarding a refund on postage as it was paid directly to them.

I urge you to keep trying to contact them

Regards,
Minion X


Right. This is way past my deadline, anyway - which is why, I suspect, she's replying now. 

Let's have a think about what she's saying here.

First of all, there's that gobsmacking claim (in light of later claims that they don't know anything about what's going on at South Lane) that her system lists the voucher as having been redeemed on the 18th.  The only way that got into her system was when she put it into her system as a result of not reading my first email properly. 

Secondly, she wants me to carry on badgering South Lane for a return of the money I have paid to Groupon via credit/debit card. How, exactly, are South Lane going to return this money? All the financial exchange they've had with me is to check that I have entered the code of a coupon for which I've paid another company - Groupon - good money. 

Furthermore, if Groupon are representing themselves as an agency for bona fide coupons from various businesses, I think that they probably do have some influence over SouthLane via their contract with them. And I think that I have a contract with Groupon, because they're the people I have paid money to. 

Imagine my face.

Very cross.

I replied with this:


Dear Minion.

I paid the money to you. It is Groupon with whom I have the contract.

Groupon has another contract with South Lane. If you are willing to pay me (I will bill at £20.00 an hour) to pursue South Lane in order to make sure that they honour their contract with you by sending me a watch by 13th October (three days after the order was placed), then I am willing to do so.

I am taking advice from my legal friends on how to take this through the small claims court. I will also be making this story public.

Right now, as you have completely failed to honour this contract, I would like all of my money returned, please. If I have to spend any more time chasing you through the courts I will also be billing you for that time when I make the claim.

Yours faithfully

Online Blogger


And yes, throughout the week, various people have been giving me advice on how to take something through the small claims courts; a good starting point is here, for those of you who might be thinking of doing something similar. It's not so much the amount of money involved, it's more the principle of the matter. More on this in a bit. This blog, by the way, is me making the story public; and it's taking me over an hour to write. So I'll be billing them for that time when I go to court.

Anyway, the threat of legal action, or publicity, resulted in a very quick (by Groupon standards) reply. Within a couple of hours, I'd received this from a slightly more important Minion:


SMIMinion, Oct-29 15:17 (BST):

Hi Online,

Thank you for getting back to us.

As stated in our terms and conditions on our website, it is the responsibility of the merchant, and not Groupon, to provide the services or products as advertised in the deal. Thus if you have any queries regarding your order or have not received it,
then as stated by my colleague, you will need to contact the partner directly. Groupon simply offers a platform for other companies to promote their goods and services and therefore we are not involved in the dispatch of any products offered by our partners, and are unable to access their systems to track orders for you. Apologies for the inconvenience.

I have, however, passed your order details on to our partner managers, who talk to the partner on our behalf. The partner managers will investigate the situation, and we'll email you if we have any new information.

If you don't receive an email in the next week or so, or if you have any questions, just let me know by replying to this email. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

SMIMinion
Weekend Customer Services Manager


Right. OK. Deep breaths.

First of all - as I state right at the top - I can't remember being asked to do ticky-box for terms and conditions, but a friend went in and tested the Groupon website, and apparently they do ask you to agree to terms and conditions at the point of sale. I didn't read the T&C of course - who does? And if I had, I certainly wouldn't have agreed to the conditions which the Slightly More Important Minion is implying above are the standard Groupon conditions.

Because, what Groupon is saying here in effect is that they are not guaranteeing anything at all in exchange for your money. You're just giving them money. You may or you may not get some goods after some time, but if you don't, it's nothing to do with Groupon, who don't have to do anything about it. I think I'll just repeat that in a slightly larger font size, and emboldened:

This is what Groupon claims its terms and conditions mean:

What Groupon is saying here in effect is that they are not guaranteeing you anything at all in exchange for your money. You're just giving them money. You may or you may not get some goods after some time, but if you don't, it's nothing to do with Groupon and they don't have to give you the money back or do anything about it.

Are we all clear on that? Does Groupon seem like such a good deal now?

I most certainly haven't received the 'Express Delivery' for which I paid Groupon with my credit / debit card, and Groupon 'may' see what it can do to help me get the money back. OK, it's only a couple of quid, but, as I say above, that's not the point.

I still haven't heard anything from South Lane, by the way, so they are clearly a very shoddy outfit, but it is Groupon who has the contract with them. I hear that Groupon gets to keep 50% of the money you pay in these too-good-to-be-true money-off deals, incidentally.

Having taken legal advice from those friends of miney who have law training, it seems that Groupon may be on fairly dodgy ground claiming that, as the agent for South Lane, it bears no responsibility. This is why I will probably end up taking this to court. I'd be very interested in comments from other lawyers as to the solidity of the Groupon defense, here.

If Groupon is on solid ground here, and it can abrogate responsibility for when someone for whom they are acting as an agent fails to fulfil the contract, then I think we should all be clear on this. It's a giant confidence trick, and passing money over to Groupon does not guarantee you goods in return.

I will, of course, update this blog with future events, such as an apology or refund from Groupon or South Lane, should such a thing happen.

Oh, and to top it all, the day after I recieved the email outlining the fact that Groupon are not actually responsible for anything they sell you, I get this:


quest #1047396: How would you rate the support you received?

Hi there,

We'd love to hear what you think of our customer service. Please take a moment to answer one simple question by clicking either link below:

How would you rate the support you received?

You can copy the following URL into your browser to rate:

http://linky

If your query is still not fully resolved, we kindly ask that you reply back to the original email exchanges you have had with us rather than in your feedback comment. This is to help us ensure a speedy resolution.


I expect you can imagine my response to this.

And we go cruising to entertain ourselves

Philip Hammond, Transport Secretary, will announce the government's intention to bring in a new speed limit of 80 mph the Conservative Conference next week. Apparently, this is considered to be a win-win initiative in some circles, with the Liberals in government negotiating to bring the speed limit down to 20 mph in many urban areas.

Apparently, Ministers and experts argue that raising the speed limit could boost the economy. They say that a modest rise would mean quicker journeys for employees, reps and delivery vans.

Let's have a look at some numbers, here.

First, the basic Physics:

Let's imagine a basic journey of 100 miles, covered at constant speed. This 100 mile journey would take 1 hour 25 minutes to complete at 70 mph (allowing no time for breaking or acceleration). At 80 mph, this same journey would take 1 hour and 15 minutes, so you have, at maximum, a saving of ten minutes. This ten minutes is the upper limit - it takes longer to accelerate to and from 80 mph than it does to 70 mph, and in real life, the journey would most probably be broken by several speeding ups and slowing downs.

The saving in time is, really, negligible; there are few places in the UK where a vehicle can travel for 100 miles with no interruptions, if any, and even fewer for journeys longer than that. So we are looking at a saving in time of around 14%, maximum.

Now, the fuel consumption:

For a car to acquire a given speed, it has to be provided kinetic energy from the fuel its burning. The kinetic energy increases with the square of the speed - if you double the car's speed, it needs four times as much energy. Thus the increase in energy required to reach a speed of 80 over a speed of 70 is (80/70)^2 or (64/49) or 1.31 - this is an increase in required energy of 31%.

As the car travels at a constant speed, it has to keep pumping energy into the kinetic energy 'pool' it posses because of frictional forces. The frictional forces keep slowing the car down, or turning the kinetic energy into heat and sound and other less useful (from the viewpoint of the driver) energies, and the engine has to keep topping up the kinetic energy that car has to have to travel at that speed  (In GCSE we'd say that the work done by the engine equals the work done by the frictional forces).  It's a bit like a stream supplying a pond with water at the same rate as the water leaves the pond. 

The main frictional force to consider when thinking about the forces slowing the car down is air resistance; air resistance increases roughly with the cube of the speed of the car. 

The increase in energy lost to air resistance and therefore the increase in the energy that must be supplied by the car engine is therefore around (80/70)^3 or (512/343) or 1.49. This looks like an increase of around 49%. In practice, it's likely to be less than that. As the car is travelling more quickly, the air resistance forces are acting for a shorter time, so the increase in energy lost to air resistance isn't quite as high. 

However we're already getting a bigger increase in fuel costs than reduction in time-spent costs, percentage wise, if we look at the energy needed both to get the car to the higher speed and the energy needed to keep it at that higher speed.


And, to be fair, different vehicles have different aerodynamic profiles. If a car is aerodynmic and therefore needs less energy to keep it going at a high speed, then the increase of 49% may be 49% of a small amount and of no significance. However, the sorts of vehicles which are used commercially tend not to be that aerodynamic - I've not seen a Ferrari deliver toilet rolls to Tesco recently, and although your average sales rep might like to drive a Ferrari, a company boss who is concerned about economics and financial efficiency probably isn't going to supply him with one.

There are more details on fuel economy here, and the Wiki article also provides a handy graphic.

Now, the economics.

The Wiki article graphic is quite old; although the Physics won't have changed, the aerodynamics of cars that are commonly used today may be more efficient.  I have found some more up to date numbers from this article.

Interestingly, the most fuel efficient cars seem to have the highest drop in fuel efficiency once you get past the 'sweet spot'.  A 5 mpg drop for an increase in speed of 10 mph from 65 mph to 75 mph seem reasonable from the data.

I'm going to use the Toyota Camry numbers (a sort of standard rep car) and assume that there will be a similar drop in fuel efficiency from 70 mph to 80 mph as there is from 65 mph to 75 mph. While this is only an assumption, it is a reasonable (and possibly conservative) assumption, as the gradients of graphs of fuel efficiency tend to be constant above 65 mph (i.e. they will show a straight line directed downwards) - and then there's the cubed law as explained above.

So, the Toyota Camry will have a fuel consumption of around 30 miles per gallon when driven at a constant speed of 70 mph. This means that it will use (100 / 30) or 3.3 gallons of fuel to drive that 100 miles at a constant speed of 70 mph.

At 80 mph, it has a fuel consumption of around 25 miles per gallon. This means that it will use (100 / 25) or 4 gallons of fuel to drive the 100 miles.

The latest prices in petrol I've been able to find are detailed here. There are roughly 4.5 liters in a gallon, so, at £1.31 per liter, we get these costs for driving this 100 miles at each speed:

At 70 mph, it will cost the driver:   3.3 gallons * 3.8 liters/gallon * £1.31/liter = £16.43
At 80 mph, it will cost the driver:   4 gallons * 3.8 liters/gallon * £1.31 = £19.91**

That's an increase in fuel costs of £3.48 for a saving of, maybe 10 minutes.
In general terms, that's an increase in costs of 21% for a saving in time of 14%

Remember, although this is a thumb-suck estimate, all these numbers are conservative. The increase in fuel costs will be much larger for, say, a lorry delivering commercial goods. Fuel-efficient cars will have a much bigger percentage drop in mpg over this range, so, although fuel efficient cars are cheaper to run in the first place, the increase in fuel costs for those cars driving at 80 mph is probably about the same in your actual pounds cash.

Conclusion:

The idea that a higher speed limit will boost the economy by providing quicker journey times is risible, and totally ignores the effect of the higher fuel costs contingent upon driving at these increased speeds.

Oh, and there's the fact that we'll actually be burning more of our dwindling supply of oil, as well as releasing commensurately larger amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere, but these considerations don't seem to have the same importance to our 'greenest government ever'.



This is all basic GCSE physics and maths, by the way, and part of the National Curriculum that Gove seems to think is too easy.

Article edited on 5.10.11 to reflect the fact that the data given by the Consumer Report website is in American gallons.